Friday, June 6, 2008

Gallows Humor

911 Doc over at MDOD made a post about the O sign, the Q sign and the dotted Q sign.

Reminded me of this list:

Most of the definitions on the following lexicon of medical slang appeared a few years ago in the National Lampoon. Some of the definitions are funny. Most are sick. All are used in respected hospitals.


BOBBING FOR APPLES: Using the finger to unclog a severely constipated patient.

F.L.K.: "Funny-looking Kid."

F.L.P.: Parents of an F.L.K.

CRUMP, GORK, VEDGY: A patient requiring intensive care, incapable of movement, and apparently unaware of his surroundings.

HORRENDOPLASTY: A difficult and time-consuming operation.


CROCK: Hypochondriac.

MARRIAGEABLE MONSTER: A young female patient who has successfully undergone major plastic surgery.

GOMER: A senile, messy, or highly unpleasant patient.

FASCINOMA: A "fascinating" tumor; any interesting or amusing malignancy.

DROOLER: A catatonic patient.

CUT AND PASTE: To open a patient, discover that there is no hope, and immediately sew him up. Well, almost immediately. Sometimes young surgeons practice surgical techniques for a while first.

FOUR F-ER: A gallbladder patient. "Fat, forty-ish, flatulent female."

PINKY CHEATER: Latex finger cover used in gynecological and proctological examinations.

ROAD MAP: Injuries incurred by going through a car windshield face first.

A HOLE-IN-ONE: A gunshot wound through the mouth or rectum.

THE "O" SIGN: The letter O as formed by a patient's gaping mouth.

THE "Q" SIGN: A patient giving the O sign with his tongue hanging out.

THE DOTTED Q: The "Q" sign, with a fly on the tongue.

SIDEWALK SOUFFLE: A patient who has fallen from a building.

LOOSE CHANGE: A dangling limb in need of amputation.

BULL IN THE RING: A blocked large intestine.

GONE CAMPING: Reference to a patient in an oxygen tent.

EATING IN: Intravenous feeding.

BORDEAUX: Urine with blood in it.

SCRATCH AND SNIFF: A gynecological examination.

ANGEL LUST: A male cadaver with an erection.

HIT AND RUN: The act of operating quickly so as not to be late for another engagement.

CAPTAIN KANGAROO: Chairman of a pediatrics department.

ROOTERS: Indigents and hangers-on who gather in big-city emergency rooms in order to be entertained by legitimate cases.

SHORT-ORDER-CHEFS: Morgue workers.

LOOP THE LOOP: Flamboyant surgical rearrangement of the intestines.

BUGS IN THE RUG: Pubic lice.

HEY DOCS: Alcoholics handcuffed to wheelchairs in big-city medical wards who, at the sight of a white coat, bleat out in chorus, "Hey, Doc!"

BLOWN MIND: Gunshot wound to the head.

ICING ON THE CAKE: Lethal tumor discovered in the X-rays of a heart attack victim.

THE GARDEN: Neurosurgical intensive care ward, so called because of the "vegetables" found there.


THE DEEP FRY: Cobalt therapy.

ROASTED GOOBER: A tumor after intensive cobalt treatment.

HEALTHY GOOBER: A dead patient.

BURY THE HATCHET: Accidentally leaving a surgical instrument inside a patient.


SQUASH: Brain.

GAS PASSER: Anesthesiologist.

CRISPY CRITTER: A patient with severe burns.

There! I just gave away our trade secrets! :-p Y'all got any more additions?

And as usual there were some folks who couldn't:
1. Read
2. Take a hint

... and complained about what a bunch of evil, uncaring bastards we were.


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